I used to pride myself in being able to perceive people’s weaknesses, flaws, voids… where they fell short - not because I had the desire to manipulate them, but because then I would “know” in what manner they would inevitably disappoint me, or hurt me.
(This is a coping mechanism that hsp/codependent/ppl pleasers learn as a way to survive when they are children. to anticipate people’s needs/moods in order to stay’ safe’ and ‘loved’.)
Humans CRAVE Certainty. Security. Knowing. Foretelling the Future. Seeing what lies ahead.
Our brains are literally wired for it - to ingrain patterns.
To have a relationship with another human being with any substance or intimacy, we will inevitably be disappointed, and sometimes hurt too. This is shown repeatedly in mental health research.
The only way we couldn’t get ‘disappointed’ or ‘hurt’ is if we are being inauthentic about our boundaries, needs & desires, and we are in ‘relationship’ with similar people.
And to behave this way means we are acting from people-pleasing, not from our true self.
And you know what?
This is actually incredibly, insidiously, unconsciously manipulative.
The highly sensitive empath, codependent, people-pleaser often/always feels like the victim (or triumphant survivor) - the victim energy is embodied and acted out - whether this is in conscious awareness or unconscious.
To embody this energy is inherently disempowering. And it will further attract people in one’s life that will play the role of the ‘abuser’ or ‘narcissist’ or overly dominating personality.
Until the people-pleaser defines his/herself on all levels of being - not just mentally, but emotionally & energetically - this will continue happening.
It’s not easy work y’all.
It takes tremendous courage. It takes grit. It takes love & grace. It takes heaps of humility.
It takes commitment to your desire for having healthy relationships, and doing the work along the way - however messy.
And… for those who may be triggered and feeling the self blame spiral happening of “what could I have done differently?” or “it is all my fault” or “I just can’t ever have a healthy relationship”… stop victimizing yourself.
Stop beating yourself to a pulp!
You must be accountable for your own self too, my love!
You must be Kind and Loving and Compassionate and Generous for your own self.
You must have Grace & Forgiveness for your own process, from darkness into light.
From Unconsciousness to Consciousness. Being an embodied, aware & evolving human isn’t easy.
There are so many ways to give up. Sit on the sidelines. ‘Start over’ ( <That’s my go-to!!)
So don’t make it harder than it already is.
Most of us are aged, but not emotionally mature - it’s just reality.
When we can accept this within ourselves, we can actually then mature & evolve ourselves emotionally - but it starts with a reality check on where you are RIGHT NOW. Let go of the shame about it.
If you act like a 5 year old when you don’t get what you want, then you act like a 5 year old when you don’t get what you want. It’s just the truth of right now. A few years ago, I went to my mentor at the time with some questions about a guy I was briefly dating & how to communicate with him better. When it was brought to my awareness that I wasn’t getting my way, my entire body shifted and my mentor and a fellow mentee both looked at me and simultaneously said, “you look like you’re 12 years old right now”. (I was 34 in physical age)
I was so FREAKING Embarrassed - my face went red and I just wanted to crawl in a shell and hide forever. But i couldn’t.
I was in the arena (as Brene Brown says), doing my work (still am & always will be!).
So, I went home that night and got really real with myself.. and just said, “OK Megan. when it comes to relationships, you’re about 12 years old right now. That’s OK.” I then started approaching dating simply as practice. And also quickly realized that I was certainly not the only one who acted less emotionally mature than his/her physical age - and had much more grace for everyone I met, even if I wasn’t interested.
And with this awareness of the truth of where we are in reality, we can then take responsibility, have greater agency over how we show up in relationships too. Agency and Sovereignty come from Wisdom, and Wisdom comes purely from Life Experience. There’s no other way about it.
If you want to be emotionally wise, you gotta do the work.
If you want to be spiritually wise, you gotta do the work.
If you want to physically, or mentally wise, you gotta do the work (these though are more prized in modern culture w/ physical fitness competitions & Intelligence Tests)
I’m here to help you navigate the less tangible - the emotional & spiritual realms. These are so needed in our world right now. We need more spiritually & emotionally mature, embodied humans. So if you feel the calling within you to dive into yourself, or dive deeper - I am so freaking here to support you. I’ve been through the emotional & spiritual wringer - I know what it feels like. I have found & created invaluable resources & practices. Book a free Discovery Call with me, and we will get really f*cking real together, and we will set up a game plan together for your own successful evolution. https://www.meganhart.coach/discovery-call
**This is only for You, if you are Serious & Ready to commit to your Growth**
(Even if it scares you!) I love you SO much.
You are Worthy.
I see you.
You are a Stunning spark of existence.