I cried this morning.
In public.
For a while too.
I poured my coffee to-go, put the nephew doggies in my car and drove to the beach.
As the sun rose from behind the forest-lined highway - literally blinding me as I drove into it - I felt my usual sense of gratitude for the beauty surrounding me, for the sense of spaciousness that I’ve insisted upon in my own life, for my own well-being & inner peace, for the handful of people with whom we meet in love, substance and realness, for my blessings, for my now-unshakable trust in life.
I took the pups on a walk where they were permitted, and then took myself on a walk solo for a bit.
I love walking slowly in nature. I love listening to my surroundings with my entire body.
The spectrum of different bird songs, the reverberation of the wind pulsating through the trees, vibrating through my ears, into my being.
The aromas of the doug fir needles baking in the morning sun and the salty ocean & kelp particles making their way into my nostrils, into my being.
The very crisp, fresh ever-so-subtly misty pnw air, meeting the uncovered skin of my hands and face, immersing into the depth of my lungs, into my being.
The infinite shades of green - a whole rainbow in-and-of-itself - piercing into my own reflective green eyes, the chipmunks, the deer, the mountains, the ocean waves undulating according to their own rhythm… into my being.
I made my way slowly down this path through the forest, stopping far more often than most people appreciate (this is why I like to walk alone so much), to soak in this reality through all of my senses.
As I turned the corner, downward the hill, the view opened up from out of the dark forest, into a panorama - an imposing backdrop glowing snow-covered mountains fading to every shade of blue toward the foreground of ocean crashing foamy waves, tumbling the rocks and wood until they become softer… until they become sand.. until they become ether again. The whole process I am a witness to - even if I’m unable to consciously perceive it.
I was so immersed in the beauty of my surroundings, I was quite abruptly brought to tears.
I don’t know the last time I cried so deeply out of being overwhelmed by beauty. It’s certainly been too long, and also, just the right time.
I had to stop.. I just stood there, taking it all in - all of my senses immersed. I let the warm tears stream down the skin of my chilly, fresh face.
Someone was walking nearer to me, and immediately I became self-conscious of my tears.
“I don’t want him to see me like this.” “He’s going to think something’s wrong, and ask if I’m ok.” “If I tell him I’m crying because life is so beautiful he’s going to think I’m f*cking nutso or mentally unstable.”
I’m simultaneously laughing and crying as I write this... just bringing awareness to these kinds of thoughts we all suffer from.
So I turned away out of insecurity. I walked toward another spot where my tears of deep reverence wouldn’t be witnessed out of fear of misunderstanding.
I started to feel silly for giving into my fear… but let go of that self-judgement and just honored my own humanity.
We are all terrified of being truly witnessed.
We all have insecurities, fears, doubts.
It is part of being human.
We live in a dense reality here. Our minds will have us believing our thoughts, our fears, our insecurities.
Our minds, if left unchecked by the wisdom of the body, will have us believe the thoughts like I had when the man was walking near me.
Our minds become as dense as our physical reality.
We stop opening to the full f*cking aliveness of feeling every cell of our own body vibrating with nature.
We lock ourselves up in homes, offices, buildings, cities… to ‘work’, and we become even more dense.
So dense we are unable to feel life breathing through us anymore.
With my words, I am not denigrating the art, architecture, culture and creations that are most people’s homes and realities these days.
What I am saying is - when was the last time you allowed yourself to be overwhelmed to tears by the beauty of life?
Go now, be a witness to what you wish to be yourself, and soak in it.
Go now, break open in love, in all your aliveness, in reverence.
Go now, allow your cells to dance with this beauty, and become it yourself.
And when you come back to the denser world than many of us exist within, know that you are a bit lighter. That you can always undulate, pulsate, expand and then contract, and then expand again.
May the words that come through me, ignite you in love.
I love you so much. Xo